There was a time before I was diagnosed and given the label of crohns / colitis & its myriad of ailments it brings along for the ride that I thought I could change the world one day at a time, one person at a time and never really stopped to think; I used to look around and see things, people that needed me more than I needed me, I would see problems that needed resolving, issues that needed fixing, but until these last few years I never truly understood what it felt like to be in the position of needing fixing of being broken.
I have empathy, compassion and understanding, but I was missing the component that meant I truly understood, I never knew what it was like to feel broken, to feel like something was missing, to drag your sorry ass through each day, never knowing which part of you would show up; ok, so I'm not dying, so let's not be melodramatic about it, I take 21 pills a day plus a couple of hydration sachets to keep me going, but there are days that I think fuck it, I'm done, no more pills, let this bastard consume me, let it win, and for a moment you feel powerless, empty, broken, alone, these are emotions that on some days I can shake off and on others I have to let them win, you may not see it winning, but inside its winning; but knowing tomorrow I may have a chance of kicking it's ass again, so I sit, wait and allow tomorrow to pick me up again.
You see this feeling of being powerless, of being mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted leads you to understand that I'm human, I'm frail, I too need help from time to time, I too need someone to put their arms around me and tell me it 'I know you're not ok, but I'm here for you' I never needed that before, I never needed or wanted someone to be here for me, but now I think I do, so now I think I understand that human emotion of being at a point where you need someone else to get you through, will it make me a better person? I hope so. Will I understand how difficult it is for those more vulnerable to want or to accept our support? Definately, will I start accepting the days where I don't feel well & stop replying 'I'm fine'? One day, maybe...........
The moral of the tale is that we often assume people want and need our help; the truth is that if they had a choice they wouldn't want our help, they wouldn't want us to intrude on their personal space, it's undignified to invade a once proud person life thinking we know better, the truth is we don't know, we'll never know & we'll never know until we're broken and so powerless that we have to concede to letting some jumped up unqualified brat wash our bollocks in public; imagine how low your heart has to sink to allow that to happen.
One day, it could be you!
No comments:
Post a Comment